Scars
by MadamCombatBoots
Summary: Cry has depression. He likes PewDiePie but his eating disorders, body dismorphia, and fear of rejection are holding him back from confessing his feelings. Does PewDiePie feel the same way about Cry? Does he possibly love Cry enough to do something drastic to be with the one he loves?
1. Chapter 1

A/N: Trigger warning for self harmers. This is DEPRESSED Cry x PewDiePie. No like. No read. If my description of Cry doesn't match your head cannon of Cry then please imagine him as you see fit. Thanks for reading my story brother.

I pressed harder, feeling the edge of the steel blade biting deeper into the sensitive skin on my thigh, leaving a thin trail of blood amongst the scars of various ages and legths. I push just a little bit more on the razor, feeling a stab of ... pain, life, feeling, depression, and ... something else. Something I just couldn't place. Something empty, like a void were something used to be, or was never there, but is missing none the less. I wanted more pain. The pain was just so much more bearable than the numbness, and emptiness, eating away at me from the inside. I just needed to feel _something, anything._ Just not this numbness. I needed something to remind me that this wasn't just a never ending nightmare from which I would never wake.

I slid into the bath tub, letting the warm water wash away all the blood and dirt from my body. My blood stained the formerly clear water a sickley rust orange color. I stared at my body in the mirror on the opisite wall, but no matter how thin I was, or how much weight I lost I just wasn't skinny enough. When I look in the mirror all I see is a fat person. My own reflection makes me sick every time I see it. I wanted to throw up. I wanted to throw up whatever meager portions I had eaten today.

I dried my fluff of brown hair, which had become brittle and began falling out from lack of vitamins. I breathed out, a long sigh of anguish. Here was the hard part. Weighing day. I gingerly stepped onto the scale, my boney arms crossed over my prominant ribs. I peered at the scale terrified by what it might say. I was horrified by what I read. 92 pounds. I had only lost 4 pounds since I had weighed myself a week ago. How will he ever love me if he can't love my body?

I felt like a complete and utter failure, like I couldn't do _anything _right at all. I felt as though my entire life was a complete failure, a failure from which I could not escape no matter how hard I tried. Like my failure was following me, stalking me, making feel week and worthless no matter what I did. It was a never ending void of depression and anguish. My mind was a space completely over taken with depression and weight loss, making my entire existence a shit fuck of nothing anyone would miss. Maybe my family and friends would care ... a little at least ... I hoped. But I'm starting to doubt that they would miss me at all. I mean sure some fan girls would be sad, but they would grieve me and then get over it. Nothing would be largely changed. Or so I thought.


	2. Chapter 2

I got up, a little too fast for my weak stomach, making the room tilt from side-to-side around me. After regaining stability, I walked over to answer the door, putting on my "happy face". This would be one painful visit, considering it would be our last together. I couldn't let my demeanor slip. No. He couldn't know.

As soon as the door opened Pewdiepie rushed in, wrapping his arms around me in a hug. I returned the favor, patting his back slightly. "Hey, Felix! I haven't seen you in awhile friend," I said happily into his hair.

"RYAN! I've missed you man! It's been lonely only talking to you over Skype and PMs," He replied making my heart skip a beat at the thought he might have missed me. I knew that the way that he missed me was in a friendly way, if he did mean what he said. I felt a nod would suffice for a response. "I'll be in town for awhile so we can hang out all week!" He said, practically bursting at the seams with excitement.

I only wished that I could last through the week for him, but I knew it would be a miracle if I lasted through the night.

Later in the evening after a long time of recording and editing a PewdieCry Bloody Trap Lands, I had gone to go get some snacks for myself and him. Well ... mainly him. "CRY!" Felix called from the living room, using my nickname, " Were is ma popcorn boi?!"

"I've got it right here Pewds!" I shouted in reply, holding his popcorn and my water. I walked into my small living room, setting the popcorn down next to Pewds, who happened to be laying down on the floor in a very ... awkward way. "What are you doing Pewds?" I asked through fake laughter.

" I don't know you tell me Cry." He said with a seductive eyebrow wiggle.

Our evening ended with a bout of laughter, and Marzia calling Felix to come back to their hotel room.

After he left I got my self ready for what I was about to do. I sent out messages on all the message boards telling the fans that they had been a great audience, and that this in no way was their fault. After sending out personalized messages to my friends phones, I got ready for the biggest message. The one I sent to the man I love.

A/N: Hey! It's me. I really appreciate anyone reading this. You guys are awesome. If any of you guys self harm, have depression, anorexia, eating disorders, feel alone, or ... just want someone to talk to please, feel free to PM me.:)


	3. Chapter 3

A/N: Howdy hey hey! I'm so sorry for my absence as of late but my computer is extremely slow and I can't update from my tablet. I really didn't expect this story to get so many views! Thank you guys so much! You guys are too sweet! I read all your reviews sweet things! I know I should update more often. However life is calling and he gets mad at me if I don't answer when he calls. In conclusion, you guys are sweeties, and I'm sorry I don't update more often. And now to the story.

I walked out on my balcony, peering out over the edge, feeling as though I should feel sad; yet strangely I didn't. I felt as though a huge weight had been lifted of my chest. I could finally breathe again. I had never felt this free. I had never felt free from the shackles of worry and fear before; ... and it felt amazing.

I shuffled in from outside, creating static with my sock-clad feet. I toured my home, placing things in there respective spots. I had no idea why but everything seemed nearly a thousand times more important than it usually would. The way my closet was arranged. The order of my video games. Even the way the toothpaste faced. I continued to fix things through out the apartment. I deleted my internet history, vacuumed my carpet, cleaned out the fridge, made my bed and even ironed all of my clothes. That's how good I felt. I don't know why I did it though. I guess I wanted all of my stuff to be easier to move out.

I walked about the apartment, one last time, taking in every little detail. Holy fuck did I live in a basic ass apartment. I placed my hand against the cold surface of the wall in a sentimental way. I smiled the slightest bit.

I flopped down into my desk chair. I stared out the window. Being on the twenty fourth floor of the apartment complex, I was able to see the tops of most trees. An orangey yellow throw in the crisp autumn air. I slowly wheeled to my desk think hard about the words I would put in my message to him. I had thought, and thought, and thought, about these words for hours on end, and yet no holy grail, perfect words revealed themselves to me. I had come to the harsh reality that their were none. No words were great enough to describe the intense feeling I had. I had just decided to along with whatever came to mind.

As I finished up typing the last letters of that precious message I smiled knowing that I had used my one chance to get my point across best. I strutted swiftly around my apartment making absolutely sure I hadn't forgotten to do anything important. I unlocked my front door to make sure people could get into my flat after.

Being sure everything was in it's place, I walked out onto the balcony. I looked around me at the beauty of fall in my city. I stepped up onto the railing that ran along the perimeter of my floor of the building. This is it I thought to my self with a grin. I inhaled deeply, intending to take the sweet smell of the chilly autumn air with me. I turned and slowly fell into that magnificent orangey blanket.

I felt my self being pulled down to the Earth by the force of gravity. The only thing I remember before the hit was the colors as I fell, and the strange sense that I could feel the earth rotating. And then all at once I felt my body hit the pavement, my bones breaking, my guts spilling out onto the pavement; and then ... a bright white light and a feeling of extreme euphoria. I suddenly was floating up out of my body and into the air. It was strange to see myself other than in a mirror let alone a soupy mangled version of it. I looked upward, seeing my floor coming at me. I was happy.

Until I saw him

A/N: And ... another cliff hanger. I'm so sorry. - I can't help it it's just my style. I hope you enjoyed this. Thank you all of you readers. You guys really motivate me to write with your comments.


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